I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..