If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.