I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

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Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.


ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family


I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.


It’s going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they’re just like, “We hate corn.”


“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War


TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.


“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015


Nice try government. But I’m not taking you back until I know where you’ve been for the last two weeks.


*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*


*ring ring*
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.