wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him
me: ok so your mom’s a narc
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]