@PollySueZen

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

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@TheMichaelRock

Wait! What?!

The subway is flooded? WHAT ABOUT THE NINJA TURTLES?!

*prays*

@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@Gupton68

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

@CornOnTheGoblin

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

@freedom2726

Like Mom always said,

“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

@TheUnrealMattR

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

@dsylixec

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.