I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.