Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.