I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Who chose this font
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon