I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.