I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
(Gaming support cat.)
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat