I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.