I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.