I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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turn that frown upside down
):
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…