I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.