I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
scrabbled eggs
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣