@Try2StopME

I ate everything, including the H.

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@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@rz0ndy

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.

@bornmiserable

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

@simoncholland

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@KateWhineHall

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

@markhoppus

Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.