Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I ate everything, including the H.
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My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.
That’s all the DNA test I need.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.