I ate everything, including the H.
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
meow
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”