I ate everything, including the H.

You Might Also Like


Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.


My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.


a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”


Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.


Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.


Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.


When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.


Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.


Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.