I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

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[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem


Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.




Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time


1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider


“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.


-guys who work in a crematorium


73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?