People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.
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What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible