Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.