@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

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@NervousJr

People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.

@Ideal_Victoria

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

@ghostovpiss

what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

@copymama

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

@robfee

What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??

@bobvulfov

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible