I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.


My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.


Got any spare change?

No, Im an athiest.

Can you give me a hand?

No, Im an athiest.

Hows the weather?

Sorry, Im an athiest.

– Athiests


“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg


Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.


At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.