[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.
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Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Things my wife doesn’t want in cider
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
-guys who work in a crematorium
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.
What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?