@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

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@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

@Gupton68

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

@StranDadAbroad

I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.

@NaaN_Conformist

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@sonictyrant

The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.