I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.