Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.