Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Oops I deleted….
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese