Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I unironically love this joke.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]