I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
c’mon!
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
car not found
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
me refusing to leave twitter