@meghaffer

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

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@Lpbinder

You haven’t experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@LeahTiscione

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@Vodkantots

I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.

*runs after him

@graceful_asfuck

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

@donni

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

@karanbirtinna

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.