I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
2022 be like
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
fair
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.