I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Never let them know your next move 😂
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life