I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
You Might Also Like
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
britain’s three elite institutions
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Order here:
More here: