I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!


SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff


Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this


Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”


Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”


me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003


I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.


WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you


Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.