I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
this is the best day of my life
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17