I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

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May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning


I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck


I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.


When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide


My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”


The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.


imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.


My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.


[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”


Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?