I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
You Might Also Like
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.