The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.