@meghaffer

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

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@FilmsWeWant

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

@notalogin

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

@squirrel74wkgn

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

@TheToddWilliams

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

@gobmentcheese

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

@PleaseBeGneiss

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

@Playing_Dad

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.