I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me when my alarm goes off
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
the council will decide your fate
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
who wants to go expliring
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.