I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.


[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man


“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*


I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?


5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!


The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.


Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth


Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.


[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything