@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

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@jbmsoccerdad

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

@iscoff

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@Molly_Kats

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

@Statistar30

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

@Tmoney68

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?