@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

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@FredTaming

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@offbeatoliv

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@jaboukie

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

@robfee

Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.