I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency