I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce


if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich


I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.


There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.


5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.


What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?


Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.


Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”


One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?