@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

@ch000ch

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@ourvoyagemusic

I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?

@b_mcawesome

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@greggjgc79

Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth

@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.

@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything