I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos