I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Herpes is trending, good job people
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.