I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

You Might Also Like


I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.


If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or


When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.


My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.


My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.


Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?


First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.


This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.