@AllanForsyth

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

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@jus4golf

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@HomeProbably

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@MartaEffing

When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

@mylifesuckers

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

@bingowings14

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.