I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
bugs when you lift up a rock
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks