@gitson_shiggles

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

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@Cryptoterra

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

@junejuly12

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

@DanMentos

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@junejuly12

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@AbbyHasIssues

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

@just1fool

If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.