I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
grotesque if literal: baby food
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”