I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.


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Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding


my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes


“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”


If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.


Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.


Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.


No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.


If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.