I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.


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“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.


Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options


Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously


I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.


There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”


her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*


I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.


Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account


[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd