Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
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“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
her: I like my men strong
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd