I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Chicago sounds lovely.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”