I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
🤣😈🤣
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?