@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

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@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

@21stcenturysahm

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

@BillyCorben

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

@SardonicTart

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.