I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
iPhone X
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.