“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?