@jjhartinger

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

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@raniao2011

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

@tweetsvisual

This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.

@Matt_The_1st

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@kimlockhartga

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

@stewnami

I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.

@ZiziFothSi

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

@BraandoCommando

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?