When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.
(Me to my fridge)
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
You Might Also Like
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?