I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem