I beg your pardon?
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
He’s cranky this morning
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.