I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.