I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You Might Also Like
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.