If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.