I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

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The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening


I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.


I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.


My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.


Chris Brown said he’s done making music.

That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.


I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.


ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too


me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute