The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.
I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
Chris Brown said he’s done making music.
That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute