“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances