I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself


HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*


[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!


I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm


Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland


Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see


If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.


What’s that, turkey?
Timmy fell in a well?
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go


If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.