I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase