I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I miss this era type of pranks😭
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack