I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
the answer was staring at me all along