DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found
Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD