@mishakey

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

@internetluke

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

@10InchesPlus

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@neiltyson

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

@FunnyBison

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD