I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I want to meet the individual who made this