I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
You Might Also Like
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Only short people can save us
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?