I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”