I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok