My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.