I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.


please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q


*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever


The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.


After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.


aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this


My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”


[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.